Man are people giving me the fair f#$@ing shits at the moment. I try really hard to be good to people, help where I can, help my family, do my damn job AND YET people still decide I make a good whipping pole for thier friggin bullshit! Take my mother for instance…
We grew up in a dysfunctional family, the step father was a drunk, used to beat her up, would beat us kids if we stepped one foot out of line and was just a general asshole! My mother was nuts, undiagnosed mental health issues so she was no friggin help but she did her best at the time. She has had a shitty life so that then passes to us kids. Fast forward to 9 years ago when my youngest brother died. He was more like one of our kids because he was always with me since he was born, our place was a safe haven from the crazy life he had. My other brother, hadn’t spoken to my mother in forever, he blames her for his bullshit childhood and so on and on it goes. Fast forward to now and he has just started coming up visiting her and doing a few odd jobs around the house and all of a sudden he is the best thing in the world. Lets just forget the fact the I have never left her alone, have endured some pretty crazy shit with her mental health, we pay for groceries for her, I give her money when I can, I run her around when I’m not working BUT my brother is the best. I am sick of this bullshit. Yes I sound like a brat but this is my blog and I will vent what I like! I am sick of being there for everyone else and no one is there for me. Now lets get on to my husband of 38 friggin years…
We have been together since I was 15 and he was 18, we have had a very turbulent marriage and while it has been a pretty good run over the last 10 years he has now decided that being an asshole is his right. Things are stressful with his job, managing a farm brings more low’s than high’s, take this weekend, 2 deaths and a dozen sick cows, nothing we can do to help them but it’s friggin stessful watching animals suffer. His constant snapping and snarling if doing my frickin head in and I am about to pack up and get my own place back in town.
I’m 50 frickin 4 this year surely I deserve some frickin peace! Work is shit, I am constantly fighting for survival and it shouldn’t be this way. It seems the more I help, the more I do my own thing and don’t rely on other, the more the bastards come after me! I must be easy prey. There is literally not one day that I wake up in the morning excited for what the day will bring. Every day I wake up numb with no expectations of anything too much. I am sick of my husband saying “oh your’e menopausal” yeah maybe, but your bullshit attitude does not help! I look like absolute shit these days, overweight, old, wrinkly, my skin is terrible and it just looks like I have given up. Probably all these natural bloody products I use but that’s a whole different post!
As a woman of faith I am failing miserably. I can usually spend some time in prayer and get myself out of this funk but at the moment my mindset is “why bother”. But actually coming to the end of this post and getting all that out on paper the burden has lifted somewhat. Maybe this is a good way for me to release my frustrations instead of bottling them up and pretending everything is peachy in the fruit bowl? Hmmm might be something in that.
I thank those of you who endured this post to the end. Thank you for listening to my rantings.